On Starting Over: College as a Solo Mission

As a new school year is now upon me, so is a new beginning.

Last school year, I stumbled across a challenge I'd never found myself facing before; I had to learn to thrive in solitude. Sadly enough, I believe I failed that challenge. There were many nights when I put on a calm face as I sat alone in the cafeteria, yet again. Then, went back to my room to allow my tears to soak my pillow behind the heavy, wooden dorm room door. I was facing the (necessary) loss of friendships and had no other ones to turn to on campus. At first, I was alright with losing those friendships (a post on that later), and I told myself that I would rather be alone than in them. Living the reality of these words proved less empowering than speaking them into the air. Ultimately, I failed to realize the beautiful opportunity I had before me; a chance
to redeem myself.

This year, I come back to campus to no close friends again. Only this time, I have chosen to start over. This time, I am embracing my singleness. I realized that just like there is a time in our lives when we need to learn how to operate independently outside the security of a romantic relationship, we need to go through the same process when it comes to friendships and our lives in general. We need to learn how to embrace being individuals; how to think, live, and decide without depending on everyone else.

Or at least, I do. All my life, I've used others as crutches. I've hidden within the folds of relationships of all types and tried to find my identity in them. Now, I realize that I've, instead, lost my identity in them. So, this year, I am facing college alone. Well, I have Jesus but you get what I mean. I am forcing myself to spend time with Deb (me, in case after all this time you've forgotten. Sorry about that). I am going to stop running from myself and finally embrace getting to know every part of me. I am going to be my own best friend. Here's to starting over.